Places I have fainted because of menstrual pain!

Newspaper ad for The Cramps from 1988

• in the shower
• sitting up in bed
• in chemistry class, moments before the fire alarm went off. I was carried down the stairs firefighter style by a gym teacher and a friend as 1500 teenagers, teachers, and other staff filed past. Then I threw up in the parking lot in front of all my classmates, teachers, and friends. Then they took me away in an ambulance.
• in the stairwell at school
• in a friend’s bathroom
• while seated aux toilettes (Listen there is just no other way I am comfortable saying it! I tried it all the ways. They all sucked. I’m turning into my grandmother. Moving on.)

Places I have *not* fainted because of menstrual pain!

• my doctor’s office
• a hospital
• a sexual health clinic
• a gynecologist’s office
• anywhere someone could have recorded medically relevant data that might have been able to help me

(And before you even start, here is an exhaustive list of)

Things I have tried for menstrual pain!

• exercise
• walking
• rest
• heating bags and ointments
• herbal tea
• wine
• vodka
• yoga
• sex
• Aleve
• Advil Liquigels
• Extra Strength Midol
• Tylenol 3
• a drug store brand concoction with pamabrom and caffeine in it that I got at a convenience store in rural Maine
• 2 types of prescription pain medication
• mindfulness
• witchcraft
• weed
• prayer
• sunshine
• total darkness
• therapy
• naturopathy
• sleep
• positive affirmations
• force of will
• 9 types of birth control pills
• the birth control patch
• the Mirena hormonal IUD
• no birth control at all
• crying/screaming
• swimming naked in the ocean
• living alone with the wolves

I’m 36 and this has been going on for twenty (20) years. I’m fuckin tired. I’m tired of doctors saying there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m tired of lying and saying I have a migraine because I’m embarrassed. I’m tired of having to cancel things last minute because I can’t walk upright. I’m tired of people asking if I’ve tried x y and z. I’m tired of explaining to my friends/roommates/coworkers that their cycle is going to change because my uterus is freakily alpha-wolfish. Mostly, I’m tired of missing my mother. Sometimes it seemed like she was the only person who understood. She had similar experiences and always validated my pain. She believed me and always encouraged me to rest. She fought for me with our family doctor so he would prescribe birth control before I left for university. I remember her sitting next to me on the bathroom floor, where I was lying pale and coiled, and crying because she couldn’t do anything. We were both helpless. That’s what it feels like.